I'm writing this on what America calls Thanksgiving Day and I hope after their day of rejoicing they will sober up and regret the thanks and giving they have been sending the IRA.

Nonetheless, I feel obliged to pass on this recipe for a cake sent to me this afternoon by the ex-mother-in-law.

The ingredients: One cup of water, one cup of white sugar and one of brown, four large eggs with speckly brown shells, a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of salt smuggled home from Ibiza, a squirt of lemon juice, lots of nuts (shelled) and a gallon of whisky.

First, sample the whisky to check the quality and you may also eat some of the nuts. Take a large bowl.

Check the whisky again to be sure it has not gone off. Pour one level cup and drink.

Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer and beat one cup of butter in a large, fluffy bowl.

Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whisky is still OK. Cry another tup.

Turn off mixer.

Break two legs and add to the bowl and chuck in a dup of dried fruit.

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who cares?

Check the wiskey for flavur.

Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can see and find.

Anyway, grease the oven.

Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.

Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Throw the bowl out of the window.

Check the shiskey agin. Go to war.

Cheers!