I'm agitated because a man is coming tomorrow to connect me up with a super fast telephone line that means I'll be able to communicate with all my friends in Ibiza at the flick of a button.

I've just looked up "agitated" in the big dictionary here and it says it's to do with mental tossing about, to and fro.

Well I do a lot of that, but it's usually because of all this mail I get offering me loans.

There's a certain amount of logic here. I suppose I could forgo the Internet connection, borrow the money and take off to Ibiza and then none of it would matter.

I see they've sent me a disc to connect up with and a letter saying "Good news!" My telephone line has apparently passed the first of two tests and I'm now a step closer to life in the fast lane.That's what they say, not me.

I have a slight doubt though, because it says my line has only passed the first of the two tests, though I don't know how they know what my line is.

It says this welcome pack contains all I need to get started and then it says that it will depend on my second and final line test. Then it says they share my excitement. I'm not joking.

I hope you don't think I'm being paranoid, but it all sounds a little bit like something you would get from a hospital.

Here's how it goes on:"Keep this letter and pack somewhere safe."

Well where did they think I was going to put it? I must print this out and show it to the engineer, though on the other hand, perhaps I shouldn't.

It contains a CD-ROM and then the letter says: "It contains important info. (sic) such as terms and conditions" and I'm not joking here when I tell you it says I need to do nothing at this stage.

So at which stage do you suppose I have to do something?

I suppose it's tomorrow when the man comes to tell me about the results of the second test that on this occasion is to do with my telephone line rather than my pancreas.

Sinclair Newton

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